


Blizzard, 1994

by jackpack



Category: IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Christmas, F/M, Holidays, I literally wrote an it holiday musical y'all it's what it says on the tin, M/M, Musicals, Screenplay/Script Format
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:02:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21854191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackpack/pseuds/jackpack
Summary: Derry looks to be in for a white Christmas, andTHE LOSERS CLUBhas gathered for one last holiday party; it’s their senior year of high school, and they’re looking to get in all the time together that they can.RICHIEis hosting, as his parents are going out of town for the weekend to visit his sister at college, and everyone has piled into the Tozier’s living room; evenBEVERLY, back in town for the weekend from Portland to visit her old friends.Something wicked blows into Derry on the same winds as Santa, though; the blizzard threatens to wakePENNYWISEfrom its slumber to haunt the Losers as they weather the storm together.--BLIZZARD, 1994: The IT Holiday Musical
Relationships: Ben Hanscom/Beverly Marsh, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 19
Kudos: 83





	Blizzard, 1994

**Author's Note:**

> is this entirely self indulgent? yes. i was listening to christmas music too much, and this is the product. are the lyrics dumb? yes. but are they fun? also yes. please enjoy this. if you'd like a playlist of all the songs in the show, you can find it [HERE](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6LY66FLjRlM8QUGhNGKgY8?si=_MZdishLQIqTWouI3GBrMw)
> 
> thank you (as always tbh) to migz, who read through every word of this mess of a script. migz i'll cast u one day. mwah.

** **

* * *

**SYNOPSIS**

Derry looks to be in for a white Christmas, and **THE LOSERS CLUB** has gathered for one last holiday party; it’s their senior year of high school, and they’re looking to get in all the time together that they can. **RICHIE ** is hosting, as his parents are going out of town for the weekend to visit his sister at college, and everyone has piled into the Tozier’s living room; even **BEVERLY**, back in town for the weekend from Portland to visit her old friends. 

Something wicked blows into Derry on the same winds as Santa, though; the blizzard threatens to wake **IT **from its slumber to haunt the Losers as they weather the storm together. 

* * *

**CAST **

**THE LOSERS CLUB**

> **BEVERLY**
> 
> **BEN**
> 
> **BILL**
> 
> **EDDIE**
> 
> **MIKE**
> 
> **RICHIE**
> 
> And **STAN** , all **18** , and dressed in various awful holiday sweaters. **STAN**’s is absolutely an ugly Hanukkah sweater. 

**MAGGIE ** and **WENTWORTH TOZIER**, Richie’s parents

**PENNYWISE**, the shity clown coward

* * *

**ACT I**

(_The first thing to come up is the flickering Christmas lights on the tree, and the strains of Brenda Lee’s “Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree”. As the rest of the stage lights rise, _**RICHIE** _starts to sing along, and not well._)

**RICHIE: **\- Let’s be jolly, DECK! The halls with boughs of holly!

(_ He’s dancing around the room where most of the rest of the Losers sit already, decorating the Tozier’s Christmas tree; _ **STAN ** _ and _ **BILL ** _ sit at either end of the couch, with _ **BEN ** _ between them on the floor. _ **EDDIE** , _ still in a puffy outdoor coat, sits in a chair to the side, and looks the least amused by Richie’s antics _.)

**EDDIE: ** I’m gonna deck _ you _if you don’t shut up in a second. C’mon, Richie, how many times can we listen to the same mixtape? 

**RICHIE: ** ( _ in a posh British accent that’s just as awful as his singing.) _ As many times as it takes for all of you to get into the Christmas spirit, my good man! ( _ He ruffles _ **EDDIE** _ ’s hair, and returns to humming, and trimming the tree. _)

**STAN: **Can I be excused from the Christmas spirit?

**RICHIE: **Be a tourist for a little, Stanley. You already had your eight nights, buck up with us for this one. 

**STAN: **If it includes your singing? I think I’d rather not. 

**BEN: **I don’t think his singing is that bad-

**RICHIE: **Thank you, Haystack! Finally, a brother in arms. 

**BEN: **It’s the dancing that’s the real issue. 

**RICHIE: ** Oh, fuck _ off _!

**MAGGIE** : ( _ from the offstage) _Language, Richie!

**RICHIE: ** Sorry, ma! ( _ As he says this, he flips the other Losers off, and they all laugh as he returns to trimming the tree.) _

**BILL: **Do we know w-wuh-when Mike’s getting here? 

**EDDIE: **He said soon, right? It’s really starting to pile up out there. 

**RICHIE: ** ( _ almost conspiratorial; definitely smug. He’s hiding something _) Mikey’s just looking to make a dramatic entrance, I’m sure. He’ll be here. 

**EDDIE: ** After he gets here, will you _ please _just go ahead and show us whatever this ‘big surprise’ you’ve been waiting to show us is? 

**STAN: ** Yeah. You haven’t shut _ up _about it, Richie, it better be good.

**RICHIE: ** Oh, it’ll be good. Santa always delivers to the good little kiddies. ( _ He winks. _ **EDDIE ** _ makes a show of gagging, and _ **STAN ** _ rolls his eyes _.) 

**BILL: **Are you Santa, Richie? I d-don’t think anyone’s lining up to sit in your lap.

**RICHIE: ** Oh, I wouldn’t say that, Big Bill- Eddie’s mom _ definitely _made it on my naughty list this year by doing just that.

**EDDIE: ** ( _ throwing a decorative pillow at _ **RICHIE** _ ’s head. _ ) Oh my god, shut _ up _!

(_ The boys all laugh. _ **RICHIE ** _ tosses the pillow to _ **STAN** , _ who hands it off to _ **BEN** _ , who keeps it. _ ENTER- **MAGGIE ** _ and _ **WENTWORTH** _ , dressed in heavy winter clothes. _) 

**MAGGIE: **And you boys are sure you’ll be fine for the night? 

**RICHIE: ** We’ll be _ fine _ , ma; it’s not supposed to get _ that _bad. 

**WENTWORTH: **Radio’s saying it’ll get pretty nasty, tonight, kid. You fellas are all stocked up here? 

**STAN: ** ( _ politest of the group _) I think we’ll be fine, Mr. Tozier.

**WENTWORTH: **Went, Stanley, Went. C’mon now, champ, you’ve been around here since you were in diapers. 

**RICHIE**: Stan wasn’t here yesterday, dad, what’re you talking about?

(_ Stan mouths “fuck you” out of sight of Richie’s parents. _)

**MAGGIE: **We’ll give your sister your love. 

**RICHIE: **Sure thing. Drive safe, don’t have too much fun without me. 

**WENTWORTH** : Somehow, I think we’ll do just fine. ( _ He ruffles Richie’s hair as he passes, and then, they’re out the door. _) 

(_ Richie rushes to the window, waving like a queen until the sound of a car pulling out putters into the distance and fades entirely. _)

**RICHIE: ** _ And- _boom! Party time, boys! 

(_ He pulls off his first Christmas sweater to show another one- this one, with a picture of Santa on it, reading: “ASK YOUR MOM IF I’M REAL” _) 

**STAN: **You’re the worst, dude. 

**RICHIE: **(_flopping onto the couch between Stan and Bill, wrapping an arm around each of them_) You won’t be saying that when you see my special surprise, Stan the Man! This is gonna be the best Christmas party you’ve ever been to!  
**STAN: **(_dry_) I’m Jewish, Richie. This is pretty much the only Christmas party I’ve been to. 

**BEN: **And, all we’ve done so far is listen to you sing, and talk big shit. 

**RICHIE: ** ( _ leaning down to ruffle Ben’s hair _) Oh, Benjamin, ye of little faith- when have I ever let you down? 

**BEN: **The last time you said you’d pay me back for gas.

**EDDIE: **Or the time before that, probably. 

**BILL: **O-or the time you said you could sneak me into the d-drive-in and no one would notice, and then l-l-left me in the trunk. 

**STAN: **Or the time you- 

**RICHIE: ** Okay! Okay, I fucking get it, geez. _ This time, _I’m not letting you down. It’ll be well worth it. 

(_ Right on time; there’s a knock at the door. Richie rises to look out the window, and pumps his fist a few times in silent, overdramatic excitement before he goes to open the door. The other boys are occupied talking amongst themselves again, probably about all of Richie’s past let downs _) 

**RICHIE: **Perfect timing, Mikey! Welcome to the party!

(_ He steps aside. _ ENTER- **MIKE** , _ bundled up, pulling off his various layers _.)

**MIKE: **Hey, guys. Sorry I’m late, the roads are getting kinda hairy.

**BILL: **You didn’t miss too m-much, don’t worry. Just Richie’s awful singing. 

**BEN: **And Richie’s awful dancing. 

**RICHIE: **You mean my dulcet tones and talented toes? Don’t worry, Mike, I’ll cut you off a slice of it here again in a second. 

(_ The boys all groan, and _ **MIKE ** _ laughs _.) 

**MIKE: ** Right. I… I’m sure it’ll be great, Richie. ( _ He doesn’t actually sound that enthused _.) 

**RICHIE: ** You know it! ( _ voice dropping to a mock whisper, conspiratorial again _ ) Did you happen to secure our… _ package _? 

**MIKE: **Package? Do you mean B-

(**RICHIE ** _ shushes him, loudly _ . _ The rest of the Losers share a look. _) 

**MIKE: ** … Package, right. Yeah, s- I mean, uh. _ It’s _ waiting outside. I was… waiting to see if you wanted to make any announcements or anything, and there were some bags to bring in, you know?

**RICHIE: ** You’re the _ man _, Mike. 

**EDDIE: **Are you two done plotting over there? 

**RICHIE: **Not quite, Spaghetti-O. You think they’re ready for it, Mike? 

**MIKE: ** I think if we leave h- _ it _outside any longer, we’re gonna get our asses kicked, so. 

**RICHIE: **You’ve got a point. Look alive, boys, here’s your Christmas miracle!

(_ He swings open the door again dramatically, Will Smith gesturing as- _

ENTER- **BEV** , _ also bundled up, but grinning. _)

**BEV: **Hey there, Losers.

(**BILL, BEN, EDDIE, ** _ and _ **STAN** _ all jump to their feet.) _

**EDDIE: **Oh my god!

**STAN: **Holy shit!

**BILL: **I-is th-th-th-that B-

**BEN: **Beverly!

**BEV: ** ( _ laughing, and opening her arms _) Did you guys miss me? 

(_ The boys all rush in to hug her in turn, while _ **RICHIE ** _ and _ **MIKE ** _ stand off to the side, sharing a fist bump. _) 

**STAN: **This was the big surprise, huh? 

**RICHIE: **Actually, the big surprise was that I was able to break into my dad’s booze cabinet, but, I guess Bev’s pretty nice, too. 

**BEV: ** ( _ fond) _ Fuck off, Richie. ( _ She opens her arms to him, too, and he hugs her, smacking two loud, showy kisses to each of her cheeks _) I told him I was thinking about coming down a few weeks ago, and he and Mike figured out how to get me here. 

**EDDIE: **Well, Merry fucking Christmas, Richie. You finally delivered on a miracle after all. 

**RICHIE: **Aw, shucks, Eddie. You sure know how to flatter a guy. Mike did most of the hard work, I just kept you all entertained. 

**EDDIE: ** ( _ considering it for a moment, and then, obviously teasing _ ) You’re right. ( _ He turns to Mike) _Good surprise, Mike, thanks. 

**MIKE: ** ( _ playing along _) Anything for you guys, you know? Losers stick together, and, this is gonna be our last Christmas all together, so. 

**RICHIE: ** Aw, _ geez, _ Mike, way to make it sad!  
**BILL: ** ( _ putting a hand on Mike’s shoulder _) We’ll all come back for Christm-mas and stuff, Mike, come on. 

**MIKE: **Right, yeah. Of course. 

**RICHIE: ** Enough of the sad stuff, it’s fucking _ Christmas _. We’re supposed to be jolly!

**EDDIE:** It’s the twentieth, Richie, it’s not Christmas _ yet _. 

**RICHIE: ** ( _ waving him off, and steering everyone to sit back down. _) Technicalities, Eds! It’s the Christmas season, and if you assholes don’t start getting mirthful up in here, I’m gonna kick you out in the snow.

(_ Everyone moves to sit back down _ , _ except for _ **BEN**.)

[**MUSIC CUE** : _ Last Christmas _] 

**BEN**

(_ standing, looking at _ **BEVERLY** , _ who now sits on the couch- _ **BILL ** _ is on her side, and _ **MIKE ** _ sits on his. They talk, as he sings, but the moment seems to move in slow motion. _) 

LAST CHRISTMAS, I GAVE YOU MY HEART

BUT THE VERY NEXT DAY YOU GAVE IT AWAY

THIS YEAR, TO SAVE ME FROM TEARS

I'LL GIVE IT TO SOMEONE SPECIAL

ONCE BITTEN AND TWICE SHY

I KEEP MY DISTANCE

BUT YOU STILL CATCH MY EYE

TELL ME, BABY

DO YOU RECOGNIZE ME?

WELL, IT'S BEEN A FEW YEARS

IT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME

(MERRY CHRISTMAS!) I WRAPPED IT UP AND SENT IT

WITH A NOTE SAYING, "I LOVE YOU, " I MEANT IT

NOW, I KNOW WHAT A FOOL I'VE BEEN

BUT IF YOU KISSED ME NOW

I KNOW YOU'D FOOL ME AGAIN

LAST CHRISTMAS, I GAVE YOU MY HEART

BUT THE VERY NEXT DAY YOU GAVE IT AWAY

THIS YEAR, TO SAVE ME FROM TEARS

I'LL GIVE IT TO SOMEONE SPECIAL

LAST CHRISTMAS, I GAVE YOU MY HEART

BUT THE VERY NEXT DAY YOU GAVE IT AWAY

THIS YEAR, TO SAVE ME FROM TEARS

I'LL GIVE IT TO SOMEONE SPECIAL

A CROWDED ROOM, FRIENDS WITH TIRED EYES

I'M HIDING FROM YOU, AND YOUR HAIR OF FIRE

MY GOD, I THOUGHT YOU WERE SOMEONE TO RELY ON

ME? I GUESS I WAS A SHOULDER TO CRY ON

A NOTE FROM A LOVER WITH A FIRE IN HIS HEART

A MAN UNDERCOVER BUT YOU TORE ME APART

I NEVER FOUND TRUE LOVE, AND YOU’VE FOOLED ME AGAIN

LAST CHRISTMAS, I GAVE YOU MY HEART

BUT THE VERY NEXT DAY YOU GAVE IT AWAY

THIS YEAR, TO SAVE ME FROM TEARS

I'LL GIVE IT TO SOMEONE SPECIAL

LAST CHRISTMAS, I GAVE YOU MY HEART

BUT THE VERY NEXT DAY YOU GAVE IT AWAY

THIS YEAR, TO SAVE ME FROM TEARS

I'LL GIVE IT TO SOMEONE SPECIAL

A NOTE FROM A LOVER WITH A FIRE IN HIS HEART

A MAN UNDERCOVER BUT YOU TORE HIM APART

MAYBE NEXT YEAR I'LL GIVE IT TO SOMEONE

I'LL GIVE IT TO SOMEONE SPECIAL

(_ Ben’s still standing to the side as the song fades out, looking somewhat sad; for a moment, he’s back to being the New Kid, apart from the group, alone, and, then- _) 

**EDDIE: **What’re you still standing there for, Ben? 

**BEV: ** Yeah, New Kid- c’mon, there’s still room over here. ( _ She nudges Bill and Mike to scoot over a bit, and they get snug. She pats the spot beside her on the couch. _)

**BEN: ** ( _ Shaking himself out of it, and smiling. _) Yeah, sorry, just. Surprised- happy to see you, Bev. 

**RICHIE: ** Yeah, yeah, we’re all happy to see her, Haystack. Now, sit _ down _. It’s movie marathon time. 

**STAN: **So, it’s “listen to Richie talk so no one else can enjoy the movie”-time? 

**RICHIE: ** It’s called _ commentary _, Stanley. 

(_ There’s some bickering back and forth, but eventually the Losers all settle in front of the television. Richie turns on the TV, and the opening strains of something are heard when _-)

[**BLACKOUT**]

**RICHIE: **Aw, you’ve gotta be fucking- 

(_ The lights flick to green, and the Losers freeze, mid move and mid word. ENTER _ \- **PENNYWISE** , _ dressed in a ballet tutu. _) 

[**MUSIC CUE: ** _ Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy _] 

(**PENNYWISE ** _ dances; the song is elegant, IT is not. The dance itself is ballet, interspersed with that weird clown dance IT does? You know the one. IT dances around the Losers in the living room, and then leaps off stage with a laugh _.) 

**RICHIE: ** ( _ confused, now, and somewhat alarmed _) …. Kidding… me- sorry, did anyone else just fucking- 

**EDDIE: **Feel… weird? 

**BILL: **Y-yuh-yeah, I… 

**MIKE: **It’s probably just, like. The dark, you know? The lights going out and stuff. 

**RICHIE: ** We can light the fireplace, hold on a second-  
  
( _ They’re fumbling for a moment, a few “ow!”s or “that’s my foot, asshole”s from the Losers, but, eventually, Richie is able to light the fireplace. There’s a dim light, now, on stage. _) 

**BEN: **Guess the blizzard did end up getting bad. 

**RICHIE: ** Fucking _ great _. 

**STAN: ** ( _ gets up, and goes over to the window to check outside _ ) And it’s already coming down in _ sheets _, shit. 

**EDDIE: ** _ Fuck _. My mom’s gonna want me home. 

**STAN: **I don’t think you’re gonna be getting really far in this mess, Eddie. 

**BILL: **Looks like this is gonna turn into a sleepoh-over.

**MIKE: ** Yeah. I’m _ definitely _not driving out in this. Richie, do you know if your parents have got a generator or something, maybe? 

**RICHIE: **Shit, I’m sure they do- like, out in the garage or something? And, we’ve got candles upstairs and stuff. 

**BILL**: Mike and I can go get the generator started, and maybe you guys can look for the candles? 

**BEV: ** Sounds like a plan to me. ( _ Standing _) I’ll go check upstairs, I guess? 

**BEN: ** ( _ Immediately standing with her _ ) Me, too! ( _ Realizing his eagerness, and floundering for a moment _) Uh- Stan, you probably know Richie’s house better than I do, could you…?

**STAN: ** ( _ He’s a bro. He gets it, but he’s not happy about it _.) Yeah, sure. 

(_ As the rest of the Losers leave, and _ **RICHIE ** _ tends to the fire a bit. _ **EDDIE ** _ stands in a panic, scrambling for his jacket and other winter clothes. _) 

**RICHIE** : ( _ standing abruptly, and moving to put a hand on _ **EDDIE** _ ’s shoulder.) _ Woah, woah, Jesus, Eds, what the fuck do you think _ you’re _doing? 

**EDDIE: ** I’ve gotta go _ home _ , Richie; my mom’s gonna _ freak _if there’s a blizzard and I’m not in her line of sight.

**RICHIE: **You’re kidding me, right? She knows where you are- you’re with me. Safe as can be in casa de Tozier. 

**EDDIE: **You know she doesn’t think like that. 

**RICHIE: **Yeah? Well, what do we care? 

[**MUSIC CUE: ** _ Baby It’s Cold Outside. _]

**EDDIE**

I REALLY CAN’T STAY 

**RICHIE**

EDDIE, IT’S COLD OUTSIDE

**EDDIE**

I’VE GOT TO GO AWAY

**RICHIE**

BUT, EDDIE, IT’S COLD OUTSIDE

**EDDIE**

THIS EVENING HAS BEEN 

**RICHIE**

WAS HOPIN' THAT YOU’D STAY IN 

**EDDIE**

SO VERY NICE

**RICHIE**

(_Grabbing Eddie’s mittens from his hands, and dancing away with them._ **EDDIE** _gives chase, sort of dancing them around the room)_

I’LL HOLD YOUR HANDS, THEY’RE JUST LIKE ICE

**EDDIE**

MY MOTHER WILL START TO WORRY 

**RICHIE**

C’MON, EDS, WHAT'S YOUR HURRY?

**EDDIE**

AND SHE WILL BE PACING THE FLOOR

**RICHIE**

(_ tosses the mittens aside; _ ** _EDDIE _ ** _ makes no move to go after them) _

LISTEN TO THE FIREPLACE ROAR

  
  


**EDDIE **

SO REALLY I'D BETTER SCURRY

**RICHIE**

C’MON, NOW, PLEASE DON'T WORRY

**EDDIE**

BUT MAYBE JUST A FEW MINUTES MORE

**RICHIE **

_ (dancing over to some fancy, decorative looking decanters- probably _ **WENTWORTH** _ ’s Scotch, and making a show of pouring a glass. He’s nervous? Maybe. _) 

PUT SOME RECORDS ON WHILE I POUR

**EDDIE**

(_ oblivious to what Richie’s doing, wringing his hands and speaking mostly to himself) _

THE LOSERS MIGHT THINK 

**RICHIE **

EDDIE, IT'S BAD OUT THERE

**EDDIE**

(_ catching Richie just before he chugs whatever he’d just poured, and snatching the glass from him) _

SAY WHAT'S IN THIS DRINK?

**RICHIE**

NO CABS TO BE HAD OUT THERE

(_ He reaches for the drink, but it’s _ **EDDIE** _ ’s turn to dance away now, moving them back around the room to pour the glass out in a plant.) _

**EDDIE**

(_ moving back towards the door now, still mostly singing to himself _) 

I WISH I KNEW HOW 

**RICHIE **

(_ in his own little world now, too _)

YOUR EYES ARE LIKE STARLIGHT NOW

**EDDIE**

TO BREAK THIS SPELL 

  
  


**RICHIE **

(_ snatching the cap Eddie just put on his head, and mussing up his hair, trying to draw his attention again _) 

I'LL TAKE YOUR HAT, YOUR HAIR LOOKS SWELL

**EDDIE**

(_ sends a glare in _ RICHIE _ ’s direction, but ultimately, still trying to weigh his options _)

I OUGHT TO SAY, “FUCK OFF, TOZIER” 

**RICHIE **

(_ out of sight, but watching _ **EDDIE** _ , obviously adoring when no one else can see _) 

WOULD YOU MIND IF I MOVED IN CLOSER?

**EDDIE**

(_ resolving something _) 

AT LEAST I'M GONNA SAY THAT I TRIED

**RICHIE**

(_ to himself, dismissive of his earlier hope _) 

BUT, WHAT'S THE SENSE IN HURTIN' MY PRIDE?

**EDDIE**

I REALLY CAN'T STAY 

**RICHIE **

SPAGHETTI, DON'T HOLD OUT

**RICHIE** & ** EDDIE **

BUT EDDIE (OH BUT), IT'S COLD OUTSIDE

**EDDIE**

(_ shaking his head _) 

I REALLY MUST GO

**RICHIE **

(_rushing to stop_ **EDDIE **_from opening the door_) 

BUT EDDIE, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE

**EDDIE**

(_trying to push past him, but _**RICHIE** _moves to counter him, dancing them backwards. It’s almost an actual dance, now, except they aren’t touching.)_

THE ANSWER IS NO 

  
  
  


**RICHIE **

BUT EDDIE, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE

**EDDIE**

YOUR WELCOME HAS BEEN

**RICHIE **

HOW LUCKY THAT YOU DROPPED IN

**EDDIE**

SO NICE AND WARM

**RICHIE **

(_gesturing towards the window by the door, pulling back the curtain for_ **EDDIE** _to see)_

LOOK OUT THE WINDOW AT THIS STORM

**EDDIE**

(_ going to look out the window _) 

MY MOTHER WILL BE SUSPICIOUS 

**RICHIE**

_ (behind him, once again adoring when _ **EDDIE** _ ’s attention is averted _)

GOSH YOUR LIPS LOOK DELICIOUS

**EDDIE**

AND SHE WILL BE THERE AT THE DOOR

**RICHIE **

WAVES UPON THE TROPICAL SHORE

**EDDIE**

AND YOU KNOW HER MIND IS VICIOUS 

**RICHIE **

(_ despairing _)

GOSH YOUR LIPS ARE DELICIOUS

**EDDIE**

BUT MAYBE JUST A FEW SECONDS MORE...

**RICHIE**

(_ snapping himself out of it, going back over to _ **EDDIE**)

NEVER SUCH A BLIZZARD BEFORE

**EDDIE**

I'VE GOTTA GET HOME 

**RICHIE **

BUT EDDIE, YOU'D FREEZE OUT THERE

**EDDIE**

(_trying to fix the hair _**RICHIE** _had mussed earlier in his reflection in the window_)

SAY, LEND ME A COMB

**RICHIE **

IT'S UP TO YOUR KNEES OUT THERE

**EDDIE**

YOU'VE REALLY BEEN GRAND

**RICHIE **

I THRILL WHEN YOU TOUCH MY HAND

**EDDIE**

(_ turning to _ **RICHIE** ** _, _ ** _ now. He heard that. _ ) 

BUT DON'T YOU SEE? 

**RICHIE**

HOW CAN YOU DO THIS THING TO ME?

(_ He’s not talking about leaving. _) 

**EDDIE**

(_ approaching _ **RICHIE** _ , now. _)

THERE'S BOUND TO BE TALK TOMORROW 

**RICHIE **

(_ meeting _ **EDDIE ** _ halfway, like a magnet. _)

THINK OF MY LIFELONG SORROW

**EDDIE**

(_ They’re only a breath away, now. Like they might kiss _.)

AT LEAST THERE WILL BE PLENTY IMPLIED

**RICHIE **

IF YOU GOT PNEUMONIA AND DIED

  
  


**EDDIE**

I REALLY CAN'T STAY 

**RICHIE **

GET OVER THAT OLD DOUBT

**RICHIE** & ** EDDIE **

EDDIE (OH BUT), IT’S COLD 

EDDIE (OH BUT), IT’S COLD OUTSIDE

(**RICHIE ** _ has a hand on _ **EDDIE** _ ’s cheek, and just as he leans in-) _

(LIGHTS UP. _ The power in the house returns, startling the both of them apart. In the same moment- ENTER, _ **BILL ** _ and _ **MIKE**.) 

**BILL: **(_cheerful_) The l-lights are back! (_after a beat, looking at_ **RICHIE** _and _**EDDIE**) Are yuh-you two okay? 

**RICIHE: ** ( _ dry; disappointed the moment passed, maybe forever _ .) Peachy, Big Bill. Good job on the lights.  
**BILL: **M-Mike figured most of it out. 

**MIKE: ** It was a really easy fix, honestly. The real issue was _ finding _ it- seriously, Richie, how much stuff do you keep in your garage?  
**RICHIE: ** Only the essentials, Mikey, obviously!  
**STAN: ** ( _ entering, followed by Bev and Ben, carrying candles, and a few blankets. _ ) Just like his room. _ Seriously _, Richie, do you ever clean in there? 

**RICHIE: ** I cleaned last week! Eddie was over- tell them, Eds!  
**EDDIE: ** ( _ still recovering from earlier _) What? 

**RICHIE: ** C’mon, Kaspbrak, get with the program. My room’s pristine, isn’t it?  
**EDDIE: ** I- uh-  
**BEV: ** Are you okay, Eddie?  
**BEN: **Yeah, you kinda look like you saw a ghost. 

**EDDIE: ** ( _ flushed, and shaking his head _ ) No, I’m fine, really, I just- my mom’s gonna have a cow, you know? ( _ He sits back down on the couch, hands in his lap.) _

**RICHIE: ** ( _ flopping onto the couch beside Eddie, throwing an arm around his shoulder, casual. The earlier moment has passed, and they both know it _ .) Who cares about your mom, man? You always talk about how spending Christmas with her sucks, anyway.  
**EDDIE:** It really does.  
**BILL: ** ( _ joining them, sitting as well. _ ) Th-thu-that’s why we’re here, now. So we can sp-spend the holidays with our _ real _family. Right? 

**MIKE: **Right. 

(_ The rest of the Losers follow suit, crowding around and curling under the blankets Stan, Bill, and Bev brought down. _)

**BEV: ** I’m really glad I got to see you guys again. Honestly, Portland isn’t shit.  
**STAN: **Not that Derry’s ever been shit, either. 

**BEV: **Yeah, but… it’s got you guys, so. Even if it’s shit, it’s home, you know? 

[**MUSIC CUE: (** _ There’s No Place Like) Home For The Holidays _]

**BEV**

OH, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

FOR NO MATTER HOW FAR AWAY YOU ROAM

WHEN YOU LONG FOR THE SUNSHINE OF A FRIENDLY GAZE

FOR THE HOLIDAYS YOU CAN'T BEAT HOME, SWEET HOME

**MIKE **

I MET A MAN WHO LIVES IN TENNESSEE AND HE WAS HEADING FOR

PENNSYLVANIA AND SOME HOMEMADE PUMPKIN PIE

**RICHIE **

FROM PENNSYLVANIA FOLKS ARE TRAVELLING DOWN TO DIXIE'S SUNNY SHORE

FROM ATLANTIC TO PACIFIC, 

(_ spoken, in an exaggerated Southern accent _) GEE, THE TRAFFIC IS TERRIFIC

**BEN**

OH, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

'CAUSE NO MATTER HOW FAR AWAY YOU ROAM

**EDDIE**

IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY IN A MILLION WAYS

FOR THE HOLIDAYS YOU CAN'T BEAT HOME, SWEET HOME

**BILL **

I MET A MAN WHO LIVES IN TENNESSEE AND HE WAS HEADING FOR

PENNSYLVANIA AND SOME HOMEMADE PUMPKIN PIE

**STAN**

FROM PENNSYLVANIA FOLKS ARE TRAVELLING DOWN TO DIXIE'S SUNNY SHORE

FROM ATLANTIC TO PACIFIC, GEE, THE TRAFFIC IS TERRIFIC

**BEV**

OH, THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

**BILL & MIKE **

'CAUSE NO MATTER HOW FAR AWAY YOU ROAM

**STAN & RICHIE **

IF YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY IN A MILLION WAYS

  
  


**BEN & EDDIE**

FOR THE HOLIDAYS YOU CAN'T BEAT HOME, SWEET HOME

**ALL**

FOR THE HOLIDAYS YOU CAN'T BEAT HOME, SWEET-

[_ Before they can sing the last word _ : **BLACKOUT, ** _ this time accompanied with a sinister, familiar laugh. _]

**PENNYWISE: ** Oh, _ Losers, _come ho-ome!

**BILL: ** W-what the fuck was-  
**BEN: ** It can’t actually be-  
**RICHIE: ** You’ve _ got _ to be _ shitting _me! Again! With the lights, again? I nearly fucking pissed-

**STAN: ** Richie, shut _ up _!

(**LIGHTS UP**, green once more.) 

[**MUSIC CUE: ** _ The Nutcracker Battles the Army of the Mouse King _] 

(_ ENTER _ \- **PENNYWISE** , _ this time, dressed as the Nutcracker _.)

**EDDIE: ** ( _ scrambling to his feet _) Oh, nope! No, no, no, no-

(_ The rest of the Losers rise, too, all pushing back as the clown advances- though, he does so… slowly, in little pointe-shoe tiptoes. _)

(**MIKE** , _ as they move back, grabs the fire poker from beside the fireplace and brandishes it like a sword. _) 

**MIKE: ** We already beat you once, you- _ stupid clown! _ Don’t make us do it again!

(**PENNYWISE **_sobs, and withers a bit, but it’s only a moment before It’s pulling a saber from the scabbard of his Nutcracker costume. Or maybe it’s a big candy cane? Have fun with it. A sword fight to the music ensues, with the Losers cheering Mike on. This is one hundred percent supposed to be an homage to the Rat Fight ™ in the Nutcracker. Close to the end, _**BILL** _takes off his shoe and throws it at _**PENNYWISE**.)

(**MIKE ** _ manages to push _ **PENNYWISE ** _ back, off stage, into the “garage.” As he slams the door shut, and the Losers move quickly to bar it with something, the lights flicker in time to the music; on, off. On, off. On, off. On, off- and, once more, the only thing that lights the room is the fireplace. _ )  
  


**EDDIE: ** _ Shit. _

**BEV: ** ( _ still shaken, a bit dazed _) I thought it was all just… a bad dream. 

**STAN: ** I _ wish _it was. 

**BILL: ** H-h-how can It be back this s-s-soon? It shouldn’t be this soon!  
**BEN: ** Maybe- maybe the snow disturbed its nest, and woke it up early? This is supposed to be the biggest blizzard on record in the past couple years, and they’re doing that work on the pipes downtown, and-  
**RICHIE: ** Who the fuck cares why It’s back, or how It’s back- It’s in my fucking _ garage now! _ What are we gonna do about _ that _ ? My parents are coming back on Sunday, and they have to fucking _ park _ in there- how’re they gonna park if there’s a _ clown _? 

**EDDIE: ** I want to go _ home _ , god, I knew I should’ve just gone home- ( _ He’s fumbling through his pockets, looking for something. _ **RICHIE ** _ notices, and moves to grab his jacket, discarded in their earlier dance, and pull an inhaler from one of the pockets. _) 

**MIKE: ** We’ve gotta just- keep it together. If It was asleep, there’s got to be a way to put it _ back _to sleep, right? 

**BILL: **R-right. O-or get rid of It altogether. 

**RICHIE: ** ( _ With a hand on Eddie’s shoulder as he uses his inhaler _ ) Whatever the fuck we do, let’s do it quick, okay? I really don’t want a new roommate I’ve got to explain to my parents. ( _ in a mocking, sweet voice _ ) Hi mom, hi dad. I know you’re allergic to fur, pops, but don’t worry! Our new pet just has weird Cheeto puff hair. What does it eat? Oh, nothing much, just _ actual human children _!

**BEN: **Beep beep, Richie.

**RICHIE: ** Go beep yourself, dude, this is my _ house _!

**STAN: **Maybe if we just… wait it out, it’ll… disappear. 

**BILL: **What? 

**STAN: **It’s- it’s like Bev said. This all just… has to be some kind of bad dream we’re having. It’s not real.

**MIKE: ** Stan-  
**STAN: ** It’s not _ real _ ! It’s not real, okay, it _ can’t _be real. That summer was- it can’t. We can’t do that again. I can’t do that again. 

(_He sits back down on the couch, pulling his knees up to his chest._ _Mike is the first to follow, and then the rest of the Losers file back in_.) 

**BEN: **We should be safe in here, right? I mean… It knows better than to come at us all once, so-

**BEV: **So, we stay here, and… hope it goes away? 

**EDDIE: **I’m not going in that fucking garage, man. You can’t make it, not as long as It’s out there. I’m not leaving. 

[**MUSIC CUE: ** _ Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow! _]

**EDDIE: **

OH, THE CLOWN OUTSIDE IS FRIGHTFUL

BUT THE FIRE IS SO DELIGHTFUL

**STAN: **

AND SINCE WE'VE NO PLACE TO GO

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW

(_ There’s a pounding on the garage door, the Losers flinch, and hold each other closer.) _

**BEN: **

MAN, IT DOESN'T SHOW SIGNS OF STOPPING

**RICHIE: **

AND I'VE GOT ME SOME CORN FOR POPPING

**STAN:**

(_ with his eyes closed, as if he’s trying to make it all go away _ ) 

THE LIGHTS ARE TURNED WAY DOWN LOW

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW

**MIKE: **

WHEN WE FINALLY SAY GOODNIGHT

HOW I'LL HATE GOING OUT IN THE STORM

(_ More pounding.) _

**BEV: **

BUT IF WE REALLY HOLD ON TIGHT

ALL THE WAY HOME WE’LL BE WARM

**BILL: **

THE FIRE IS SLOWLY DYING

AND, THAT CLOWN JUST ISN’T DYING

**STAN: **

BUT AS LONG AS YOU LOVE ME SO

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, AND SNOW

**EDDIE: **

WHEN WE FINALLY SAY GOODNIGHT

HOW I'LL HATE GOING OUT IN THE STORM

**RICHIE: **

BUT IF YOU REALLY HOLD ME TIGHT

ALL THE WAY HOME I'LL BE WARM

(_ The pounding is steady now. _)

**BILL: **

OH, THE FIRE IS SLOWLY DYING

AND, THAT CLOWN’S STILL NOT FUCKING DYING

**STAN: **

BUT AS LONG AS YOU LOVE ME SO

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW...

(_ The song fades, but Stan stays chanting the refrain as the pounding gets louder. _)

**STAN: **Let it snow, let it snow, let it- 

(_ The door bursts open. ENTER _ \- **PENNYWISE** . _ He’s dressed as Santa, this time _ . _ All of the Losers stand once more, grabbing onto each other. _) 

**PENNYWISE: **Ho, ho, ho!

[**MUSIC CUE: ** _ Santa Claus Is Coming To Town _] 

**PENNYWISE **

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT

YOU BETTER NOT CRY

YOU BETTER NOT POUT

I'M TELLING YOU WHY

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN.

HE'S MAKING A LIST,

CHECKING IT TWICE;

GONNA FIND OUT WHO'S NAUGHTY OR NICE.

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN

SANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN.

I’VE DREAMED OF YOU WHILE SLEEPING

AND NOW I’M WIDE AWAKE

I KNOW IF YOU'VE BEEN BAD OR GOOD

SO BE GOOD FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

YOU BETTER WATCH OUT

YOU BETTER NOT CRY

YOU BETTER NOT POUT

I'M TELLING YOU WHY

PENNYWISE IS COMING… TO CLOWN!

(_ He gives a grand ballet leap across stage, grabbing at the group. _)

**PENNYWISE: ** Ho, ho, ho! Oh, how I’ve missed you so! You wouldn’t make your old pal Pennywise spend Christmas _ alone _ now, would you? 

**BILL: ** Go away! We’re not scared of you!  
**PENNYWISE: ** Oh, Billy, _ you _ aren’t- but- ( _ It zeroes in on Stan, grabbing at him _ .) _ He _ sure is!

(_ Before the Losers can move to do much more, _ PENNYWISE _ grabs _ STAN _ , and pulls him back out through the door to the garage. It slams shut behind them _) 

**RICHIE: **Stan!

(_ As all of the Losers rush to the garage door, Mike grabbing the poker as he goes- _ **BLACKOUT**.) 

* * *

**ACT II **

(LIGHTS UP on the LOSERS, obviously fighting the wind, trudging through the snow) 

**RICHIE: ** Of fucking _ course _ It had to go _ outside _ ! Do clowns not get cold or something? Are they like fucking… lizards, or whatever?  
**EDDIE: **Lizards are coldblooded, idiot. They’d fucking die outside in this weather!

**RICHIE: ** Fucking good! Maybe well just find it fucking dead of hypothermia, then?  
**BILL: ** B-beep beep, Richie.  
**RICHIE: ** Beep beep what? Are we worried about the clown, now?  
**BEV: ** We’re worried about _ Stan _ .  
**RICHIE: ** Of course we’re worried about Stan! Jesus fucking Christ, of course we are, I just don’t get why-  
**BEN: ** Be quiet for a second.  
**RICHIE: ** ( _ talking still as if he hadn’t heard him _ ) - It had to drag him all the way fucking through a _ blizzard _. Like, doesn’t It-

**BEN: ** No, really, Richie _ be quiet for a second _ .  
**RICHIE: ** What?  
**BEN: ** Do you guys hear that?  
**EDDIE: ** I don’t hear anything.  
**MIKE: ** No, wait, I think- I think I hear it, too.  
**BEV: **Hear what? 

[**MUSIC CUE: ** _ Winter Wonderland _ ]   
  


**MIKE **

SLEIGH BELLS RING, AREN’T YOU LISTENING? 

**BEN**

IN THE LANE, SOMETHING’S GLISTENING

A TERRIBLE SIGHT ON THIS HAPPY NIGHT

WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND

**BILL**

GONE AWAY IS THE BLUEBIRD

HERE TO STAY IS A NEW BIRD

HE SINGS US A SONG AS WE GO ALONG

WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND

**RICHIE**

IN THE MEADOW, WE CAN BUILD A SNOWMAN

THEN PRETEND THAT HE’S THAT FUCKING CLOWN

HE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU SCARED?" WE'LL SAY, "NO MAN"

BUT YOU CAN DO THE JOB WHEN YOU'RE IN TOWN

**EDDIE** , _ wistful _

LATER ON, WE'LL CONSPIRE

AS WE DREAM BY THE FIRE

**BEV**

TO FACE UNAFRAID, THE PLANS THAT WE'VE MADE

WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND

**ALL LOSERS BUT MIKE**

SLEIGH BELLS RING,

**MIKE**

ARE YOU LISTENING?

  
  
  


**ALL LOSERS**

IN THE LANE, SOMETHING’S GLISTENING

A TERRIBLE SIGHT ON THIS HAPPY NIGHT

WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND

**BEV**

GONE AWAY IS THE BLUEBIRD

HERE TO STAY IS A NEW BIRD

**BEN**

HE SINGS US A SONG AS WE GO ALONG

WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND

**EDDIE**

IN THE MEADOW, WE CAN BUILD A SNOWMAN

AND PRETEND THAT HE'S THAT FUCKING CLOWN

WE'LL HAVE LOTS OF FUN WITH MR. SNOWMAN

YES, UNTIL ALL OF THE LOSERS KNOCK HIM DOWN

**ALL LOSERS**

LATER ON, WE'LL CONSPIRE

AS WE DREAM SITTIN' BY THE FIRE

TO FACE UNAFRAID ALL THE PLANS THAT WE'VE MADE

WALKING IN A WINTER WONDERLAND

WALKING IN A WINTER...

(_ Their singing stops before the song ends, and it peters into a long silence as they come across what seems, now, to be where Pennywise has taken Stan. All around, there’s broken or otherwise gruesome looking decorations. Evil Santas, snapped and wicked looking candy canes, etc. _) 

**EDDIE: **Well. It’s gotten better at decorating, since last time, at least? 

**RICHIE: ** Yeah, It’s got a real grasp on Christmas cheer. Are those _ cobwebs _ ? How long has this been here- Mikey, there’s not an abandoned Christmas tree farm or something in Derry, right?  
**MIKE: ** I mean… there is, but not _ here _ . I think It… made this?  
**BEV: ** Why would It do that? I don’t- ( _ to herself, somewhat _ ) I didn’t see _ this. _

**BEN: **See what? 

(**BEV ** _ opens her mouth to reply, but before she can, the same familiar laughter is heard. _) 

**PENNYWISE: ** Don’t you like it kiddies? I made it special for you.  
  
( **THE LOSERS ** _ circle, trying to protect themselves, unable to tell what direction _ **PENNYWISE** ** _’_ ** _ s voice is coming from; it seems to be coming from everywhere at once _.)

**PENNYWISE: **Aren’t we so lucky the snow woke me? You get to spend Christmas with your old pal, Pennywise! 

(**PENNYWISE** _jumps out, now dressed in an outfit not unsimilar to an Elf on the Shelf. _**MIKE **_steps forward, seemingly to hurl the fire poker at It, but before he can take more than a step, _**PENNYWISE **_opens his mouth. There’s a bright flash of white light, before the lighting goes green and the _**LOSERS **_stand frozen, taken in by the Deadlights_.) 

[**MUSIC CUE, ** as the Deadlights flash **: ** _ All I Want For Christmas Is You _ ( [ specifically this one ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQrN9ba8qEM))] 

**PENNYWISE **

I DON'T WANT A LOT FOR CHRISTMAS

THERE IS JUST ONE THING I NEED

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE PRESENTS

UNDERNEATH THE CHRISTMAS TREE

I JUST WANT YOU FOR MY OWN

MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW

MAKE MY WISH COME TRUE

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

IS YOU

OH BABY

I WON'T ASK FOR MUCH THIS CHRISTMAS

I WON'T EVEN WISH FOR SNOW

AND II JUST WANNA KEEP ON WAITING

UNDERNEATH THE STREETS YOU KNOW

YOU WON'T MAKE A LIST AND SEND IT

TO THE NORTH POLE FOR SAINT NICK

YOU WON'T EVEN STAY AWAKE TO

HEAR THOSE MAGIC REINDEER CLICK

I JUST WANT YOU HERE TONIGHT

LOSERS, DON’T YOU SEE THE LIGHT? 

WHAT MORE CAN I DO?

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU

NONE OF THE LIGHTS ARE SHINING

BRIGHTLY ANYWHERE

AND THE SOUNDS OF CHILDREN'S

CRYING FILLS THE AIR

AND NO ONE IS SINGING

YOU WON’T HEAR SLEIGH BELLS RINGING

SANTA, WON'T YOU BRING ME THE ONE I REALLY NEED?

WON'T YOU PLEASE BRING MY CHILDREN TO ME?

I DON'T WANT ALOT FOR CHRISTMAS

THIS IS ALL I'M ASKING FOR

I JUST WANNA SEE MY CHILDREN

FLOATING UP FOR EVERMORE

I JUST WANT YOU FOR MY OWN

MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER KNOW

MAKE MY WISH COME TRUE

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS

IS YOU

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU, BABY

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU, BABY

YOU'RE ALL I WANT

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS YOU, BABY

YOU'RE ALL I WANT

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS--

(_ Before _ **PENNYWISE ** _ can finish, It seizes from behind, run through with a candy cane. It stumbles, and falls, and the _ **LOSERS ** _ all slump and fall with It, released from the Deadlights. Standing behind _ **PENNYWISE** _ ’s slumped body is _ **STAN** , _ who looks beat up, but is otherwise well _.)

**STAN: **Happy Hanukkah, motherfucker. 

(**STAN ** _ rushes to the rest of the _ **LOSERS ** _ as they recover _ .)  
  
**MIKE: ** ( _ as _ **STAN** _ helps him to his feet) _Are you okay? 

**STAN: ** I think I could ask you the same thing. _ I’m _ the one that stabbed the thing.  
**RICHIE: ** Damn right you are, Stanley ( _ throwing an arm over _ **STAN** _ ’s shoulder _) What a fucking badass!

**BEN: **Let’s just get out of here before- 

(_ Behind them, _ **PENNYWISE ** _ lets out an exaggerated wail, sobbing. _ )  
  
**PENNYWISE: ** All I _ wanted _ was to spend Christmas with my _ friends! _

(**THE LOSERS** _circle once more, standing up to It_. _As _**PENNYWISE **_rises, It pushes the candy cane from It’s chest, letting it drop to the ground._)  
  
**EDDIE: **_God, _that’s fucking _disgusting! _

(**PENNYWISE ** _ shirks back again, letting out an exaggerated “boo hoo!” _) 

**RICHIE: **Don’t you know Halloween was two months ago, idiot? 

(_ Again, _ **PENNYWISE ** _ shirks back with an exaggerated cry, cowering in on itself _ . _ The Losers are catching on, now _.) 

[**MUSIC CUE: ** _ You’re A Mean One, Mr Grinch _] 

**RICHIE**

YOU'RE A MEAN ONE, SLOPPY BITCH

YOU REALLY ARE A HEEL

**BILL **

YOU'RE AS CUDDLY AS A CACTUS, YOU'RE AS CHARMING AS AN EEL,  
SLOPPY BITCH

YOU'RE A BAD BANANA WITH A GREASY BLACK PEEL!

**MIKE**

YOU'RE A MONSTER, SLOPPY BITCH

YOUR HEART'S AN EMPTY HOLE

**BEV**

YOUR BRAIN IS FULL OF SPIDERS, YOU'VE GOT GARLIC IN YOUR SOUL, SLOPPY BITCH

I WOULDN'T TOUCH YOU WITH A THIRTY-NINE-AND-A-HALF FOOT POLE!

(_ As the song goes on, _ **THE LOSERS ** _ start to approach _ **PENNYWISE** ** _, _ ** _ who cowers _.) 

**BEN **

YOU'RE A VILE ONE, SLOPPY BITCH

YOU HAVE TERMITES IN YOUR SMILE

YOU HAVE ALL THE TENDER SWEETNESS OF A SEASICK CROCODILE, SLOPPY BITCH

**EDDIE**

GIVEN A CHOICE BETWEEN THE TWO OF YOU I'D TAKE THE SEASICK CROCODILE!

**RICHIE**

YOU'RE A FOUL ONE, SLOPPY BITCH

YOU'RE A NASTY-WASTY SKUNK

**BILL**

YOUR HEART IS FULL OF UNWASHED SOCKS,

YOUR SOUL IS FULL OF GUNK, SLOPPY BITCH

  
  


**STAN**

THE THREE WORDS THAT BEST DESCRIBE YOU ARE AS FOLLOWS, AND I QUOTE

"STINK, STANK, STUNK!"

**EDDIE**

YOU'RE A ROTTER, SLOPPY BITCH

YOU'RE THE KING OF SINFUL SOTS

**BILL**

YOUR HEART'S A DEAD TOMATO SPLOTCHED WITH MOLDY PURPLE SPOTS, SLOPPY BITCH

**MIKE **

YOUR SOUL IS AN APPALLING DUMP HEAP OVERFLOWING WITH THE MOST DISGRACEFUL

ASSORTMENT OF DEPLORABLE RUBBISH IMAGINABLE, MANGLED UP IN TANGLED UP KNOTS!

**BEV**

YOU NAUSEATE ME, SLOPPY BITCH

WITH A NAUSEOUS SUPER "NAUS"!

**STAN **

YOU'RE A CROOKED DIRTY JOCKEY AND YOU DRIVE A CROOKED HOSS, SLOPPY BITCH

**RICHIE**

YOU'RE A THREE DECKER SAUERKRAUT AND TOADSTOOL SANDWICH WITH ARSENIC SAUCE!

(_ On the last word, _ **THE LOSERS ** _ are now circled around _ **PENNYWISE. ** _ There’s a flash of light, and they shield their eyes and part, revealing- _

_ A small _ **PENNYWISE, ** _ still dressed as an elf. (This is, of course, an Elf on the Shelf, painted to look like Pennywise.) _

**BEV: **What the hell is that? 

**EDDIE: ** ( _ approaching slowly, and kicking at it. _) I… don’t think it’s alive?

**BEN: **What do we do with it? 

(**THE LOSERS **_stand there, seemingly waiting for the doll to do something. It does not. After a moment, they all look between each other. _**BILL **_is the first to approach it. He picks it up and inspects it for a moment before just absolutely yeeting it offstage._ _The _**LOSERS **_simply stand there and watch it fly for a moment before-_)

**EDDIE: **Is anyone else freezing their balls off out here, or is that just me? 

**RICHIE: ** Gotta have balls in the first place for that to be the case, Eds.  
**STAN: **You’d know, Rich, wouldn’t you. 

(_ Another beat, and then they’re all laughing. _ **RICHIE** _ throws an arm around _ **EDDIE** _ and _ **STAN** , **BILL ** _ throws one around _ **MIKE** , _ and _ **BEV ** _ leans into _ **BEN** _ ’s side. _)

**BILL: ** Let’s go home, guys.  
**MIKE: **Yeah. Richie promised a party, and I haven’t had any fun yet. 

**RICHIE: ** Oh, so now it’s _ my _fault a clown ruined the party? 

**EDDIE: **God. No one else mention the fucking clown. The clown didn’t happen, deal? 

**STAN: **Deal. 

**BEV: ** Double deal. You got any hot chocolate at home, Rich?  
**BEN: **We’re probably gonna have to relight the fireplace. And, like… make sure we didn’t let too much snow into your garage. I don’t think we closed the door. When’re you leaving town, Bev? 

**BEV: **I figured I’d spend the night, maybe the day tomorrow. Depends on when the snow clears up enough for Mikey to drive me home, I guess.

**MIKE: **It’ll probably take a few days. 

**RICHIE: ** You know what that means? _ Sleepover _. 

**EDDIE: ** ( _ somewhat wistful _) Maybe it’ll stick til Christmas. 

**BILL: **I h-h-hope not. I don’t know if I can deal with Richie that long.

**STAN: **I hope it does, honestly. Way better than being the only person in Derry who’s bored on Christmas. 

**RICHIE: ** I’m _ telling _ you Stanley, just spend it at my place. You know Went and Maggie would love to have you.  
**EDDIE: ** We could all probably head back over, in the afternoon.  
**BEN: ** Or just… go out and do something.  
**BILL: ** Even if this s-s-snow melts, I bet we’ll have more on Christmas.  
**EDDIE: ** We could go have a snowball fight! I still want a rematch from last year.  
**BILL: **Why? Mike, Ben and me won fair and square. 

**EDDIE: ** Stan and I had _ Richie _ ! He’s blind!  
**RICHIE: ** Hey! Only nearly blind. And, we can just call dibs on Bev.  
**BEV: ** Oh, _ dibs _ ? What if I call dibs on Ben’s team?  
**BEN: ** Oh! Uh- yeah. Bev’s on our team.  
**MIKE: ** Can’t we decide this _ inside _? 

  
( _ In the distance, the sound of bells and horses are heard.) _

[**MUSIC CUE: ** _ Sleigh Ride, (specifically the Ronettes’ version) _]

**BILL**

JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS JINGLING, RING TINGLE TINGLING TOO

**LOSERS **

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

**MIKE **

COME ON, IT'S LOVELY WEATHER FOR A SLEIGH RIDE TOGETHER WITH YOU

**LOSERS**

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

**BEN **

OUTSIDE THE SNOW IS FALLING AND FRIENDS ARE CALLING "YOO HOO!"

**LOSERS**

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

**STAN**

COME ON, IT'S LOVELY WEATHER FOR A SLEIGH RIDE TOGETHER WITH YOU

  
  


**LOSERS, ** _ dancing together _

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

**RICHIE, ** _ pinching _ **EDDIE** _ ’S cheeks _ **. EDDIE** _ slaps his hand away _

OUR CHEEKS ARE NICE AND ROSY AND COMFY AND COZY ARE WE

**LOSERS**

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

**BEV, ** _ still leaning into _ **BEN** _ ’s side _

WERE SNUGGLED UP TOGETHER LIKE TWO BIRDS OF A FEATHER WOULD BE

**LOSERS**

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

**STAN **

LET'S TAKE THE ROAD BEFORE US AND SING A CHORUS OR TWO

**LOSERS**

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

**EDDIE**

COME ON, IT'S LOVELY WEATHER FOR A SLEIGH RIDE TOGETHER WITH YOU

**LOSERS, ** _ dancing together _

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

**BILL**

OUR CHEEKS ARE NICE AND ROSY

  
  


**MIKE **

AND COMFY AND COZY ARE WE

**LOSERS**

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

**STAN **

WERE SNUGGLED UP TOGETHER LIKE TWO BIRDS OF A FEATHER WOULD BE

**LOSERS**

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

**BEN **

LET'S TAKE THE ROAD BEFORE US AND SING A CHORUS OR TWO

**LOSERS**

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

**BEV**

COME ON, IT'S LOVELY WEATHER FOR A SLEIGH RIDE TOGETHER WITH YOU

**LOSERS **

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

(RING-A-LING-A DING-DONG-DING!)

(RING-A-LING-A

DING

DONG

DING!)

[**THE LOSERS, ** _ as the music wanes, stand all together, arms wrapped around each other. As the final jingles fade- _ **BLACKOUT.**] 

**FIN**

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> you can find me on tumblr @neiboltwell, please, please, come yell about this with me. thank you. i put so much heart into this. 
> 
> the show, by the rule of three minutes a page, would run (give or take) close to ninety minutes. it is my dream that someone will one day perform this, but also, god. could you fucking imagine the chaos? anyway, if you'd like to do this in any capacity, just hit me up! mwah. thank you for indulging me.


End file.
